Picture courtesy of Psychopathfree
Dating a Psychopath is never easy and the breakup is even harder! After the love bombing phase where you were declared the psychopath's soul mate and were adored and worshiped, comes the devaluation phase and last but not least the discard phase. The psychopath was drawn to you in the beginning because you had something of value to them. This could have been just about anything - money, status, the fact you were married or had a partner and they saw you as a challenge, the fact you are a loving person and showered the psychopath with narcissistic supply - telling them how great they are and how lucky you are they choose you or simply because he/she was jealous of you and wanted to bring you down. If you think about it you will find the reason or reasons you were chosen.
When the sunset has gone down on the love bombing phase, slowly but surely the psychopath will start to devalue you. Picking fights about nothing but turning it around so you feel you are to blame, subtle put downs about your appearance or personality, comparing you to others, withholding sex, giving you the silent treatment, using gas lighting techniques to make you question your perception of reality. Again you will have your own experiences you can identify with. Sometimes the devaluation phase comes about because the psychopath has got what he wanted from you. For example, if you were a challenge - he has split up your marriage or your relationship with your partner, you have lent him the money he needed or he some how bought about a downfall in your life such as causing you to lose your job, no longer associate with your friends or caused major disruption with your family members. Other times the devaluation phase can come about because you are no longer a good source of narcissistic supply. For example, you have seen the psychopaths mask slip, are questioning whether this is a good relationship for you, you have left the relationship many, many times and the psychopath has had to beg you to come back so many times that it is becoming too hard for them, you are no longer providing narcissistic supply and are telling them how terrible they really are, you are no longer giving them money and are asking them to repay you what you have loaned them. You will know what applies to you.
Whilst you are in the devaluation phase the psychopath is already sourcing your replacement. This could be a brand new victim - shiny and new - maybe younger or richer but again this victim has something the psychopath wants. Alternatively, or in addition to the new victim, he/she will recycle a faithful ex. Someone who was discarded, did not move on and allows the psychopath to hover and recycle them from time to time. Sometimes as a source of triangulation for the current partner so they are made to feel uneasy and jealous in the relationship, as a source of narcissistic supply for the psychopath so he/she can rejoice in the fact "everyone loves me" or as the new partner in the discard phase to wave in front of the discarded partner. The recycled ex does not usually last very long - the love bombing phase is much shorter because the partner has been there before and the devaluation phase moves quickly into sight as the same feelings of doubt about the relationship resurface as they did the first time around.
The only winners in the psychopath relationship are the crazy exes. Those who abandoned the psychopath and moved on or those who were abandoned by the psychopath and did not allow themselves to be recycled. Any partner who escapes from the psychopath and does not allow themselves to be reused will forever be "the crazy ex partner". It does not mean you are crazy. It is just the psychopath putting you down to justify why you are no longer together. A psychopath as you know never accepts blame for anything. So its your fault the relationship failed because "you're crazy". A psychopath is like a two year old child in an adult body - he/she wants everything they want now and it is never their fault, always someone elses. The psychopath never learned boundaries or discipline. If something goes wrong for the psychopath they want you to fall over yourself looking after them. But if you are ill or need a hand they will tell you to grow up and get over it. Why? Because it isn't about them, it is about you - your feelings, your wants, your thoughts, your desires. How dare you be so selfish!
They will tell everyone you are crazy. No doubt you might have done some crazy things in the relationship when you look back on it, but was this because you were provoked so much that you lost your patience? Maybe you screamed at the psychopath like a mad person because you had had enough. Maybe you were pushed to the limit of your boundaries. Maybe you were lied to so many times and cheated on that you felt so insecure that you checked up on them. Your behaviour was a reaction to the psychopaths behaviour. If you had a kind, loving, sane partner would you have exhibited these behaviours? Look back on your past relationships with normal partners - did you exhibit these behaviours with them?
You aren't really crazy and even if your psychopath ex labels you as one, they are just projecting the image of themselves onto you. They are the disordered one. Anyone who they tell and believes that you are crazy are not important to you. Your most important job from this day forward is you. You are number one. You can beat the psychopath and win by moving on, living a fabulous life, having wonderful experiences and showing them how much better your life is without them. You don't want to be recycled. The new victim is just going to live the crappy life you once had and could have again. There is nothing to feel but sorrow for the replacement victims. You get to escape. You can have a happy and fulfilled life. The only person stopping you now is you!
I know it might seem hard but it can be done. You need to rebuild the fabulous you!
If you get stuck I am happy to help as I provide coaching and counselling to victims of psychopathic abuse. It is never too late to recover. Check out my website at www.breakupcounselling.com.au
