Anyone who has dated a psychopath knows just how hard it is not to get drawn back in by this charming chameleon. They know how to push your buttons and how to charm you back into their arms. Everything will be different and better they say - but it NEVER is. But it is also NEVER the psychopath’s fault that things don’t improve. You will be manipulated into believing it’s all your fault that the relationship slips back into the inevitable flaws created by the psychopath’s lies, cheating, manipulation, psychological and often physical abuse. So you leave again. Playing the inevitable round of ping-pong. So how do you make the break? How do you stay away for good? How do you break the psychopathic bond? How do you break the psychopath addiction?
It isn’t easy. When you are on your own you may start to minimise the psychopath’s behaviour and start to blame yourself - DON’T! One of the reasons we do this is because psychopath victims by their nature are extremely loving, caring and empathetic people. This is why it takes so long to leave. You keep hoping and believing things will get better. If you just love them a bit more. If you are just a bit more patient and understanding. But time and time again it is never enough. You try more and give more and the psychopath tries less and gives less. Soon the reality hits you. The relationship is all about the psychopath’s needs, desires, wants, ambitions and worries. Provided you keep yours to yourself, worship the psychopath, focus on their every wimp and need, provide a plentiful amount of narcissistic supply and not only forgive but don’t raise any of their indiscretions you may have a chance of living the psychopath’s happily ever after or at least until the psychopath gets bored of you or has taken what they need from you – your money, your self-esteem and have completely isolated you. Is this really how you pictured your happily ever after?
The only way for you to have your happily ever after is to move on. Gather up your self-esteem, rebuild your life and obtain a real and meaningful relationship. Yes, it is easier said than done. The difficulty lies in the fact that as a caring person you cannot comprehend how someone could be so bad. How someone you love could be so cruel, so uncaring, so unkind. To a compassionate and caring person it is incomprehensible. You think they will change, they will see how good you are and will be remorseful and change. Wrong. This is how victims stay deluded. The key to moving on is seeing the psychopath for who they truly are. Not the person you want them to be.
So who is the psychopath really? I believe the key to moving on is not to think of the psychopath as a person but as an “IT”. Something that is inhuman. You can come up with your own image for your “IT”! Maybe a rock or a stone – something symbolic of an object which is cold, hard and devoid of feeling. Or may be an alien with two heads. The type that wants to destroy mankind. Or maybe the “IT” from the Adams Family. It is best to make the image of your IT as distasteful, as unattractive and as unappealing as possible. So every time you think about your psychopath you should imagine your “IT.”
All psychopaths are fundamentally the same. They come wrapped in a different attractive package, with a different christian and surname name, but they all have the same inevitable narcissistic qualities (or if not all, the majority of the following):
They are:
- glib and superficially charming;
- they have a grandiose and highly exaggerated estimation of themselves;
- constantly in need of stimulation;
- pathological liars;
- cunning and manipulative;
- lacking in remorse and have no sense of guilt and are only concerned with how they will look to others;
- shallow in affect and have only superficial emotional responses, which they provide in the love bombing phase but is absence in the devalue and discard phase;
- callous and lack empathy;
- parasitic and live a parasitic lifestyle – becoming friends and forming relationships with people who they need to acquire something from – reputation, money, status etc;
- poor in controlling their behaviour – even in the love bombing phase you may catch glimpses of their bad temper which they will try and control in this phase but which they don’t in the devalue and discard phases. These early sign should be a red flag for victims but the psychopath turns on the charm to mitigate the effect;
- sexually promiscuous;
- as children behaviourally problematic;
- lacking in any realistic long-term goals, any goals they do have and which they want you to support, foster or invest in are immature, improbable or unrealistic;
- impulsive and reckless;
- irresponsible;
- unable to accept responsibility for their own actions – they blame others and will create stories to divert blame and attention away from themselves – reality will be rewritten until it fits the story the psychopath wants it to be;
- unable to maintain healthy and stable long-term relationships;
- usually as juveniles involved with the law or exhibit delinquency or reckless behaviour;
- usually not respecting of the law or other’s morals and will challenge and break these, but are apt at avoiding detection.
The psychopath is not normal. They are mentally ill individuals who have learnt sufficient social skills to hide their illness from the majority of persons they interact with on a superficial level. It is only those closely involved with the psychopath on a day-to-day basis in a domestic or work relationship who discover the real psychopath. Who see the psychopath unmasked!
So when you reminisce about your time with the psychopath and try to work out why they have done what they have done, don’t think of them as human. Think of them as an “IT”. It is pointless spending time trying to understand their behaviour because it makes no sense. It is Nonsense. You cannot make sense out of it so don’t even try. Because you are a normal person you cannot comprehend or ever hope to understand a psychopath’s irrational, malicious and uncaring behaviour. The psychopath is an “IT”. The psychopath is a chameleon who changes themselves to charm and manipulate good people. A chameleon who changes reality to fit with the story they want to present to the world – one in which they are the victim, they are the good person and you are the bad and crazy one. They are an “IT”. The psychopath is not your typical “bad boy” they are worse, they are “evil”. They are the devil. They have no conscious. They want to persuade you to enter into their dark world, worship them and do their bidding.
You will never win. Why? Because psychopaths do not play fair. You are in a game where even if you think you are winning you won’t because the rules of the game will change so the psychopath always wins. The only way you can win is not play the game. Not have any contact. Not respond to the disparaging remarks and chaos they create after you leave. Psychopaths hate you not responding. Even an angry response is better than none at all. So give them what they don’t want - your silence – your disdain. This speaks volumes. It tells the psychopath that you don’t think they are worthy of a response! That they don’t matter and that nothing they say matters.
By depersonalising the psychopath and thinking of them as an “IT” you are seeing them in their correct form. As an object, inhumane, with no feelings, which is unable to provide you with what you need in a caring and loving relationship. Don’t give human qualities to a psychopath who is devoid of any. Don’t try and understand or make sense of behaviours that cannot be explained in a rational manner. Don’t try and participate in a game which is rigged so you can never win. You don’t have to defend yourself in the aftermath. Don’t react when inevitably they parade and idolise their next victim in front of you. Psychopaths are doing this to render a response from you. Psychopaths want to obtain a response from you so they can manipulate it and tell everyone who will listen that this is more evidence that you are crazy. Don’t give the psychopath what they want. Give the psychopath what they deserve – your silence. That sends a loud message – that the psychopath is not important enough or worthy of a response from you. That you aren’t playing the game anymore. That you don’t care what they are doing and who they are with – because they are only living their crazy life, a life you don’t deserve. Show them you are the winner from removing yourself from this toxic person. That you value yourself enough to know that you deserve better.
So depersonalise the psychopath, recreate their image as an “IT” and allow the memories of this toxic relationship to fade. Take time to rebuild the fabulous you and move on one day at a time!
If you can’t and you need counselling, coaching and support then contact me on 0481118837 or visit my website at www.breakupcounselling.com.au
